wow.. what an uneventful day :)
i was supposed to go visit a.h.s. with lino and joel today, but guess who woke up late. :) oh well-- there will be other days.

so i got to hang out with lino and joel yesterday. those boys.. we mostly talked about girls. haha. so does everyone sleep around besides me? it certainly seems like it.. it seems as though girls will only get attention if guys kno they can "get some" from her. eeuuww gross. whatever.

boys are gross!!

so i'm home

FINALLY!! :)

but i miss berkeley already. i kinda like the rush and excitement there.. but i guess i will be enjoying a much needed break for the next month. so linda and i had a great talk, and things are better, i guess. we've been moving things in in a mad rush but everything is out of the dorms and into our new place. i thought the moving would never end. the stuff inside drawers and on shelves seemed endless! kinda like mary poppins' bag. kekeke

yesterday, some of us on the floor went out to eat at mel's. i *love* eating with floor people~ it's gonna be so empty at the dining table without them next year.. but at least i'll finally have some real food!! yes, food. mmm tonite i had some salmon and rice and kimchi. haha what a funny combination.
anyway, i was suppose to hang out with benji yesterday. he never called. and i don't know his phone # at his new place! so i just sent him a couple e-mails. some people said he came by during the day yesterday (while i was at ikea) and asked for me .. but i am hardly moved by that! he only came by to get his fridge and microwave :P

well, hopefully i'll get to see some friends in the next few days~

i wrote a really really long blog yesterday, but it got erased. :( it talked about finals and my friends and how i've been doing for the past 5 days.. but i guess i'll just sum it up in a few words: stressful, slightly depressing, and coming to realization.

my-lan left today.. and i finally realized how important my-lan has been to me. i think she was the ideal roommate; we got along so well because we had common interests and we understood each other. like.. she wouldn't do something i wouldnt do, and i wouldn't do something she wouldnt do. with her gone, i feel like i'm leaving something really perfect and ideal for me for something that is so uncertain. my-lan's worst addiction was yogurt park (a frozen yogurt place) and bread.. linda's worst addiction is something else. something that i feel is a lot more serious.. something that can affect me, negatively. i care about linda alot, but i feel like as my words mean less and less to her, i cannot but care less about her.

i used to think problems with boyfriends were bad.. but problems with friends are even worse. boyfriends you can just break up with. friends are a little different, especially if u are roommates with them.

linda got into some trouble and i'm scared and worried for her. i am also mad at her. it's the worst feeling when u can see someone falling into a pit, just causing self-destruction and they don't even know it. they refuse to see it. haha, that kinda sounds like me too. a few days ago, i bought some cigarettes. and lately it's been one cigarette a day.. i'm trying not to smoke for one whole day. i don't think i'm addicted to it yet, but it's all the stress that's making me do it. a few weeks ago the stress would come from finals and ben. lately it's been stress about moving into the apartment, katie (my friend from back home), and mostly linda.

i really care about linda, but i can only take so much.

ya. so i'm in the unit three cc right now... i'm printing out stuff, and i think i might actually meet my 300 pages print limit. hahaha.
and i'm using a mac right now, and lemme tell ya, these macs are friggin slow!! no wonder macs always crash. well anyway, the pressure on our floor, even in my ROOM, is sooo high right now. it's like people [including me] are losing common decency because of these finals. man, i've been cooped up in my room aalll day. i haven't done such intensive studying in a looong time. i shouldve studied this hard all week.. what have i been doing...

i'm so gonna fail my finals.. i have never been so unprepared in my life!! aahhh

oh, and i had yet another baadd interview. this time, it was for a senior staff position in the EVP office of the ASUC. hopefully it wasnt as bad as i thought it was :(

ok, so i should go back to burying myself in books..

finals are really taking a beating on me~ i don't think i've ever been so stressed out before!

but today something happened that made me remember there are worse things than finals.. like crazy boys. like crazy boys who make me cry and yell at me and push me. i havent even gotten into details, yet it makes me hurt so much. so basically it comes down to this:

love isn't real. it's just an illusion

right at this moment, i feel like miranda (from sex and the city), right before she meets steve the bartender.

here is what i'm going to be doing for the next two days:

tuesday

800-930 chem 3a lec
930-1100 math 1b lec
1100-1200 chem 3a minilec
1230-130 chem 3a minilec
130-330 lunch + revise comp lit paper
330-430 chem 3a problem session
[dinner?]
430-? 1.finish reading chem ch.12+13 and do hw problems
2.read coming of age in mississippi for history

wednesday

?-1000 study math
1000-1100 comp lit office hours
1100-1230 math 1b review session
[lunch?]
100-200 micocomputing facility job interview (wish me luck!)
200-400 slc extra study group
[dinner?]
400-? study study study

yikes..now i'm all stressed out

it's yet another beautiful sunny breezy day in berkeley.. at least i have that to keep me cheerful~
yes, it's true. I've been pretty down lately. it's probably PMS. because my loneliness always gets exaggerated around this time of month. I don't think I'm really a lonely person~ it's just this damn chemical balance inside of me.. yes. and being behind in all of my classes doesn't help either. but during these stresssful times, we all just gotta breathe in and out.. taking things one step at a time. that's the best advice anyone has given me.

friends are such a complicated thing. Like everyone else, all i want is to find a friend that I can relate to.. someone who understands me.. and sometimes I tend to forget that these friends of mine have separate lives and are completely different from me. They're entirely different beings.. u kno? And my high expectations tend to upset me~ cuz no one is perfect.

I may be cynical at times, but I am really a complete optimist. I struggle with believing that there is no "perfect" person, and I truly truly believe that all people are born good.. they all have that innate goodness in them. I think my attraction for "bad" boys comes from this optimism.. I feel that I could help bring out the good in them. hahaha. I know a lot of you feel that way too.
And during this time of month, the world's imperfection becomes more glaring than ever- and i feel completely alone in my thoughts, in my feelings. And it also doesn't help that the one person that I used to go to for company and some cheering up isn't there anymore.

wow.. I spent a majority of my freshman year building a close relationship that doesn't even exist anymore.

This week I had a chance to catch up a little with some of my friends back home. It's hard for me to think about the changes and the daily lives of the people back in Agoura Hills simply because I am so far from them. I guess I assumed that everything would just STOP until I went back home.. how weird..
I realized how much I miss the way things were at home. The friends you have back home have known you much longer and more intimately than the many acquaintances you meet in college.
I'm upset that I can't be there for my friends, but it's really a big assurance to know that we still have that special bond and that we still have each other to lean on.

"lean on me, when you're not strong. I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on. For, it won't be long, when I'm gonna need somebody to lean on"

aaaaannnnndddd i'm back on track. well, at least i'm making some progress. wow.. i finally realized just how much of a slacker i had been for the past month. but u can't dwell on the past, u kno

so i've recently discovered the joy of studying at cafes. erin [a ficb friend] and i went to fsm cafe on monday and tuesday to get some history reading done and we both did so good!! yay for us!! u kno how in your room u tend to get distracted by roommate, internet, aim, magazines, your BED.. and whatnot; in the library it's so quiet and it's such a stressful environment with all those books and all those studiers..
but in a cafe, it's the perfect reading environment! just enough distractions and just enough quietness. as long as the conversations around you aren't too interesting, u can focus on your reading pretty well!! hahaha why haven't i tried it before..
but i dunno if i'd take my chem book into a cafe to read...

ok- and i've decided to be more like my friend katie. she tells me that she studies really hard during the weekdays and parties and relaxes all weekend. THAT is the way to go.
soooo i've already planned my weekend. hahahaha i'm sooo looking forward to the weekend. friday nite there is the option of either going to FiC picnic or going to watch amelie in wheeler. man.. i hate missing FiC events cuz u miss out on so much!! but then again amelie is "the best movie ever" (says my roomie)... so i dunno. and wait! there's more!! pineapples party at 10!!! yess!!! finally~ i've never been to a pineapples party. jessica and priscilla are taking me.. they are some of the cooooolest sophomores [soon to be juniors] ever. it's hawaiian themed and i've already planned what i'm gonna wear! yes, i'm very excited about it. kekeke i deserve some good partying, u kno.

saturday kinda begins sucky cuz i have a mock chem final from 1-4 :P
but then a concert from 5-whenever. the concert is not only free but black eyed peas, spearhead, and last but not least, UNWRITTEN LAW are going to perform!! yay!!

well.. here goes the more serious part of my blog for today:

so i watched a film for history tonite "hearts and minds." it was about the vietnam war. i don't usually get queasy easily. hey, i sat through "vertical limit." that was pretty nasty. but this film was so disturbing that i couldn't sit through the whole thing. how can our country justify the bombings and the poisonings and the random killings of innocent civilians? just because they look different, just because they have different cultures, not knowing the enemy and assuming asian = communist. just going in and DESTROYING an entire nation.. saying "we have to kill them in order to save them." oh my gosh, that is just inexplicably horrible.. and i'm not just sitting here aloof saying, "oh gosh, that's such a bad thing that happened a long time ago. oh well." i am talking about sick-to-my-stomach-about-to-cry kind of "horrible." there was one part of the film where a vet was addressing these little kids.. like 6, 7 year old kids at a school.. just completely brainwashing them saying things like, "unfortunately, you will have to face war.. and some of you might die" (remember these are little kids he's talking to). and one kid asked the vet "how is it like in vietnam?" and the vet answers, "well, it would be beautiful if it weren't for the people. they just make a mess there, and they're so backward. they just ruin things.."

and that one image of the asian man being shot in the head after the tet offensive. the blood squirting out like a red fountain.. the pure ruthlessness and carelessness of it all. i remember on mtv cribs there was this one rocker who had a still picture of that asian man just before being shot. showing the desperate man and the rifle the soldiers put on his head. the rocker said the picture "humbles him." how can someone see humility in that image of violence???

i couldn't stay long after that. i couldn't stay watching all those execs and officials smug in their seats who really believe themselves to be superior to other "inferior" groups talking about the war in that matter-of-fact matter. cuz u can't understand a war by its facts - the casualty rate, the successes and failures of combats.. - but you understand war by the people who were in it. these execs and officials did not understand the war.. i wouldn't even consider them as being part of the war effort.

and despite the failure of the entire conflict (and yes, it was a failure in every way), they are so proud of what they did. they would do it again if they had to.

if america is a nation that fights for freedom everywhere, i wouldn't consider those officials to be americans.

and you know what's even worse? the government (our military) still terrorizes and destroys other nations when things don't go our way. sometimes i feel bad enjoying a comfortable and generally self-satisfying life in this country.
i'm more and more convinced of dr. litwack's saying, "what we learn from history is that we learn nothing at all."

i think i may stress too much.. or something. i also think i may have overworked myself this week.. i'm getting sick :P prolly from linda.
I was sooo tired all day,.. and still tired! during comp lit, i was almost falling asleep (there are only like 20 ppl in the class), and after chem lab, i was sooo ready to go to sleep. i could tell i was running on adrenaline cuz i started getting a bit giddy and i didn't really care what others thought. lack of sleep has the same effect on me as alcohol does~

kekeke but a nite with my-lan and sex and the city made me feel much much better. aaahhh so relaxing :) but tomorrow, imma gonna have to get back on track! i have to catch up on every single class.. studying's gonna be fun tho, cuz i got study dates alll week!! kekeke kai (and possibly catherine, my gsi) for chem and erin for history~

anyhoo, my telebears was yesterday and i signed up for:
chem 3b [mon. morning lab]
econ 100a [2-3:30 tuth lecture, 1-2 tuth discussion]
music 20a [9:30-11 tuth]

so if u are in any of the same classes, gimme a holla!!

alrite, this blog is prolly getting to be really incoherent, so i gonna go sleep. goodnite!!

missed all classes but history 7b discussion today. i am such a slacker..

filled out paperwork @ LHS for my summer job. sandra turned out to be pretty cool.

went to dinner with my small group - i loove my small group!! they are the best... charlene, gower, priscilla, jessica, jen lee, taryn, chris, and hannah we took pictures in the freeezing cold, so those will be posted once i get em developed.

went to bellagio with ksa + random people.. that was really, interesting ;)

it started at 8a.m. with a phone call. the b*tch woman from human resources (who i'm supposed to meet with to fill out paperwork) gave me the biggest attitude and was totally rude. bitch. who does she think she is??? man, don't make me bring out a can of whoop ass!! hahahahaha. freakin a.. i just woke up and she was askin me questions and bein like, "okay, i want to get started NOW.. NOW!!!!" and when i asked her what time was good for her, she said, "today at 2?" i said no. "tomorrow at 3?" i said that i think that'll work. she was like, "i don't want an I THINK. this is appointment and you're gonna have to cancel it if u can't make it!" bitch!! bitch bitch bitch bitch!!!
then with the whole mess of trying to exchange friggin revised essays with my peer editing group... i've been trying to get my paper back for like 3 days, and the guy stood me up!! i waited for 30 min man... i'm not really angry, but i'm so frustrated that i can't even get a measly paper back. so that all happened before 11:00 am

anyway, i'm feelin a lot better.. after a 3 1/2 hour nap.. i get to start my day anew :)

but i shouldn't let a little thing like that phone call get to me, cuz.. honestly, she's probably a disgruntled worker (in linda's words) who's just unhappy about her life and is taking it out on me- i'm young, i'm healthy, and i gotta bright future ahead of me.. am i right? kekeke. like my mom says, i'm jjal nat suh.
the spoken word event yesterday also gave me some confidence. to be proud of one's heritage is to be proud of oneself - to not be ashamed of my mom, my past, my appearance, my culture, who i am

menzees1 (11:31:16 PM): i just farted
menzees1 (11:31:22 PM): does that count as sharing?
menzees1 (11:31:30 PM): LOL
j e n n 637 (11:31:32 PM): no one farts as much as u
menzees1 (11:31:33 PM): i crack me up

menzees1 (11:44:41 PM): but now I am your brita-whore

Panda893 (11:24:31 PM): jenns' a bitch
Panda893 (11:24:39 PM): oh, sorry, did i say that out loud?
j e n n 637 (11:24:47 PM): not really
j e n n 637 (11:24:49 PM): u just typed it
j e n n 637 (11:24:55 PM): just like i typed your mom is a whore

freakin 2nd floor...

what defines college life? GPA and classes OR social activities and friends?
surprisingly, they seem to be a little bit of both. actually, a lot of both. but i just realized today, that during the first semester, i made the mistake of concentrating waaayy more on studying schtuff than on my friends. more importantly, i made the mistake of concentrating more on a lot of things than on my friends :( i'm sorry, friends.

talking to jennifer lee (the sophomore who was my *HOT DATE* today) made me think and really made me feel grateful of the fact that after the whole ------ mess, i still had people that i could count on. the entire FiC group, my floor frenz,... wow, how lucky am i? :)
we went to daruma's for lunch; charlene took me to daruma's the first time she took me out~ it brought back memories and made me really scared. THE YEAR IS ALMOST FRIGGIN OVER!!! dayum.. so jennifer lee, i <3 you!!!!

another thing that brought me back to reality - the spoken word event, hosted by hardboiled. it was soooo awesome. my roomie my-lan and i went, and i didn't even kno what to expect. i was just like 'cool, a free show' but, i woulda ssoooo paid money for that show. i wonder if angie went to the show, she is like an amateur poet, except she's like a pro. kekekeke [angie will prolly kill me for publicizing her, she's super modest]. and i'm proud to say that i'm the only one she ever showed her work to!! well, that was in like fall 2001, so i dunno how many people she's shown her work to since then..
anyway, back to the subject: dennis kim was awweesome!! aaahhh he spoke sooo well. a man is soooo attractive when he can express himself so clearly and beautifully. and ishle park, she is my hero. she is so bold and she can express one feeling with a thousand wwooonnndeerrful images. she is my hero. and beau sia. he is on crack. hahaha. he was hella funny, but i felt there was a lot of seriousness in his words too. like hidden pain... or.. something.

i wish i could produce a writing/art that i could leave behind after i'm dead.. something that i could be remembered for.

today was a foreaking productive day. i had a great talk and had catching up time with a wonderful friend, i went to math office hours and finally understood what all the first order and second order differential equations and what all the y_c and y_p were talkin about, i went to chem office hours to finish my lab, i went to chem problem session to find out that i am hella behind on chem reading, and i got to hang out with my one and only roomie - who i only have a few more weeks to live with. ::sigh:: next year i will have to settle with linda as a roommate. hahahaah jk linda!! i <3 you, linda!!!
ok. so i should go work on my chem now, instead of writing a 10 page long account of my day.

oh ya, and btw, i got the job at LHS.. ya, the one where i had a bad interview. :)